i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
