Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
