I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
