tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
