Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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