Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
