From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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