My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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