You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
