haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
