Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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