just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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