Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
