When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
