I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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