Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
