You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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