I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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