I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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