come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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