i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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