I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He passed out mid-signature
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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