I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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