I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
