She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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