We named our party play list daddy issues
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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