jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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