I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Why is there bacon in the couch?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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