Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
