Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
