Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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