Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
