Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
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was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
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Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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