So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
