Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
