i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
