Michael Bay diarrhea
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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