Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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