I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
