And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
