I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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