Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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