I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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