the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I bet he comes in French.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
