I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
