Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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