I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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