i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
