I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
