You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
