Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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