I cut my penus on the lid.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
