these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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