I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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