she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
