he wants to bone in the snuggie
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
