I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
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I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
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The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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