at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Terrible idea I love it
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
