So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
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I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
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Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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